Up until my angst-ridden teenage years, I would create a birthday catalogue
My nerves would simmer in anticipation of the year’s most glorious day and I would dedicate a substantial amount of time to the creation of this elaborate laminated Word document comprised of a comprehensive guide to all the material objects I desired that particular year
There would be an internet-jacked photo of each item, a witty description, a star-rating system of each item’s level of desirability, and of course a list of all the retailers selling each item including the price. In other words, I made it very easy for my mother to go to Virgin Megastore, drop 200 dirhams on Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation then go pick up my World Class Chocolate fudge-bordered cake from Baskin Robbins.
Of course, it wasn’t just video games and Rammstein albums permeating the catalogue, but other five-star gift ideas. When I was ten, there was a $600 telescope from The Discovery Channel Store and a box of copied Titanic artifacts; at eleven it was a Pentium 4 HP computer and a Gameboy Advance.
Times may have changed.
Without further adieu, the following would be received with open arms for my upcoming 22nd birthday later this week:
1. A JOB
Where: Portland, Oregon; London, UK; Dubai, UAE; San Francisco, CA; Stockholm, Sweden; anywhere in Germany/Austria/Switzerland
Field: Broadcast journalism (television or radio), magazine/newspapers/online publications, fashion industry, international business, and/or public relations and advertising…and of course something where I get to sample five star resorts and eat lobster prepared by Hubert Keller then get paid for writing a review is also a suitable task I am willing to take on
Salary: Enough to put 70% into savings/investments while still supporting 2-3 classy happy hours per week, a bi-seasonal pair of Louboutins, and all my organic kefir and grass-fed filet mignons
2. Hair without any split ends, frizz, or other self-image-deprecating factors
3. Delfina Delettrez Bee Earrings
Availability: Opening Ceremony, New York City
4. Christian Louboutin Pik Pik
Availability: Good luck, it’s sold out almost everywhere (but try Barney’s, Neiman Marcus, or Saks Fifth Avenuee)
5. To never have to fear being distant and out of range from my incredible feel-good fuzzy feeling fabulous friends (and family). **
**= This is a legitimate fear when you call eight different cities in seven different countries your home and have no two besties from the same 1,000 mile radius. This is also incredibly cheesy, and no, contact via internet DOES NOT COUNT. Karaoke-ing duets of Trey Songz/Nicki Minaj tracks with Moscato in hand is NOT something that should be done over Skype.
I only put the shoes and the earrings on there because I am legitimately lusting over their uniqueness (and I have an obsession with insect jewelry and dangerous footwear); otherwise I am content with what I have materialistically speaking.
Besides most objects have diminishing marginal utility
What’s on your birthday list?