A Guide of What You Should Wear Prior to Ordering Your Eggs

On a recent brunch trip to Simpatica (different than the one in the prior post of course), Anne and I spotted a fellow patron nearby who looked all too good to have had any semblance of fun the prior night. If this were Dubai, yes I would probably care to fit in a trip to the salon pre lavish four hour Ritz brunch buffet; but as this is Portland the absolute most effort I will put in is some grapeseed oil on my split ends and several cocktail rings to match my flannel of the day (or rather, the one and only flannel I own. It’s from Nordstrom if you were wondering).

This chick at Simpatica was in what I presume to be a Kate Spade Spring 2013 collection sheath dress sporting a Kate Middleton-esque blowout and a make-up job more pristine and immaculate than anything that has ever been done to my face (EVEN for a Saudi wedding). She was fork and kniving a strata ever so gracefully, sipping on a grapefruit mimosa, and making very dull yet polite banter with who I assume was her boyfriend. Or platonic date. One can’t really tell nowadays, can they?

In Portland, this is NOT how one does brunch. While I adore my Kate Spade sheaths and paying attention to my shade of lipstick just as much as the next woman; those details and choices of attire are strictly reserved for days in which the prior evenings were spent with lavender bath salts and Kiehl’s hydrating masks.

So, in the spirit of the very last brunch post I will do in a fair while (since my work schedule has now overtaken the possibility of Sunday duck confit stratas at Simpatica); here is a guide to what I constitute as acceptable brunch attire in Portland:

  • Flannel. It’s warm and easy and as long as you actually iron or dry clean it you can look somewhat put together and fit in with EVERYBODY ELSE. 
  • Glasses. I almost always wear my Warby Parker Huxleys to brunch. The only exception is if I am going to the Benson Hotel, but as all my Saudi family members have fled the Portland metro area this is no longer a prevalent brunch choice. So really, whether or not you need glasses you should still spend a handful of your disposable income on them because you attract a WHOLE OTHER dimension of Portland dudes when you do.
  • Cheap Mondays. I don’t mean to brag, but this is actually the one bullet point where I deserve street cred: As I am partially Swedish and spend part of every summer in Stockholm, I was wearing Cheap Mondays years before Urban Outfitters and thus the rest of America decided unisex skull-emblazoned skinnies were cool.
  • Toms…obviously. Not that I own any, but my friend Kelsey does and she’s cute and fashionable. I usually wear Tory Burch flats but that’s only because wearing pumps to brunch would be a violation of everything else I just wrote and I don’t own any other flats save my Vera Wang ones with the bling that are only acceptable in the Middle East.
  • Lululemon Yoga Pants…no one will even know that you slept in them and they are SO comfortable and still accentuate the assets. Besides, since winter began six months ago I stopped my uncomfortable habit of falling asleep in sequined dresses and now…yes…wear yoga pants to the club. But you wouldn’t know that because they just look like jeggings.
  • North Faces. I only do this if it’s really cold. Like as in so cold that I need to ask a platonic stranger to help me open my cardoor when it freezes shut.
  • Chunky Knits. I love to hide in them and they cover what could be potential sheerness on the occasion that I run out of Lululemons and have to settle for a much poorer quality of leggings.

And now a few pics from Broder and Simpatica Dining Hall; aka the two best places in Portland you can possibly go to brunch for (as I am sure you are already aware):


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